Red Necks

[darkstarter]

MOST OF THESE R JEFF FOXWORTHY'S

(Most of this here material is attributed to Jeff Foxworthy)

You think Sherlock Holmes is a
housing project down in Biloxi.

You think a stock tip is
advice on worming' your hogs.

You've been married three times
and still have the same in-laws.

You think TACO BELL is
the Mexican Phone Company

Your state's got a new law that says when a couple
get divorced, they are still legally brother and sister.

Where Do You Want to Go Next? Let
Google
Take You There!

Your house still has the
"WIDE LOAD"
sign on the back.





You got stopped by a state trooper.
He asked you if you had an I.D.
And you said, 'Bout What?'






Non
Athletic
Sport
Created
Around
Rednecks






You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.






Your sister is the third generation
of women in your family to conceive
a baby as a result of an alien abduction.






If you can burp
and say your name at the same time,
you're shur'nuff a redneck.






You think Possum is
"The Other White Meat"







You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.







You hooked up with your present girlfriend
as a result of a message on the wall of
the mens' room at the Flying J Truck Stop.







The centerpiece on your dining room table
is an original signed work
by a famous taxidermist.







You think a quarter horse is
a ride out in front of the Wal-Mart.






You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off it's wheels.







Your huntin dawg had a litter of puppies in the living room and nobody noticed.







You think safe sex is a padded headboard.







You think subdivision is part of a math problem.







You think there's nothin wrong with incest
as long as you keep it in the family.







You may be a Redneck if ...
You and your dog use the same tree.






You think God looks a lot like Hank Williams, Jr., and heaven looks a lot like Daytona Beach, Florida.







You think the last words to
The Star Spangled Banner are
"Gentlemen, start your engines."







Your father executes the "pull my finger"
trick during Christmas dinner.







You believe dual air bags refer
to your wife and mother-in-law.








You've got more than
one brother named 'Darryl'.







You think the OJ Trial was a
Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.









You were acquitted for murdering
your first wife after she threw
out your Elvis 8-tracks.







You think watching professional
wrestling is foreplay.





Your grandfather died and left everything to his widow.
But she can't touch it until she's fourteen.





FORTOGDEN'S
TRIP REPORTS,
PHOTO ESSAYS
and
TRAVEL PAGES

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The
MEXICAN RIVIERA
Cruise Slides


The RYNDAM
Mexican Riviera
Cruise


The NOORDAM
Mediterranian Cruise


The ROTTERDAM
Panama Canal Cruise


The
PANAMA CANAL Slides


The
M/V NOORDAM
Caribbean Cruise


The
SCHOONER LEGACY
cruising the
ABC Islands


M/V AMAZING GRACE
Sailing From
Trinidad to Tahiti



Dave's
YANKEE CLIPPER
Trip Report + Pictures


The
AMAZING GRACE
in the Caribbean
A Trip Report


The
S/V FLYING CLOUD
Sailing The British Virgin Islands



Sailing on The
S/V POLYNESIA
In the ABC Islands



With
S/V POLYNESIA
sailing the
Leeward Islands


A Caribbean
Singles Cruise
on the Schooner YANKEE CLIPPER


From Antigua to Grenada aboard
the Windjammer
S/V MANDALAY


Lisa and Steve
sailing on the
S/V YANKEE CLIPPER


Lisa and Steve
sailing on the
S/V POLYNESIA


The
Caribbean Sailing Pictures- 4 Pages


HMS SURPRISE
The Maritime Museum
of San Diego


The SICILY Pictures

The MALTA Pictures

The TUNISA Pictures

The ROME Pictures

The LISBON Pictures


The Pictures from
TAHITI, BORA BORA
and MOOREA


HILL AFB
Historic Military
Aircraft Pictures


JAMMERLINKS
A Resource Page
For Windjammer
Sailing Fans


The
LAS VEGAS Pictures


The HEBER CREEPER


The GOLDER SPIKE
Historic Site


The 30
Best Cruising
TRAVEL GUIDEBOOKS


FORTOGDEN
SITEMAP






OTHER
FORTOGDEN
WEB PAGES
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


NAUTICAL TERMS
Used in
COMMON EXPRESSIONS


THE WIT AND
WISDOM OF
STEVEN WRIGHT


THE MYSTERY of
THE MARY CELESTE


The BATTLE of
THE SAINTES


TRASHY SIGNS,
SLOGANS & OFFICE MOTTOS


YOU MIGHT BE
a REDNECK If...


ALLTIME FAVORITE
SITE LINKS



The DANCING
BABIES' DISCO



FORTOGDEN
SITEMAP





























MORE
FORTOGDEN PAGES




FortOgden Homepage



The Weblog of
Elwood J. Krotchbaum



Las Vegas Pictures



Nautical Terms
in Common Expressions



The Wisdom and Wit
of Steven Wright



The Mystery of the
Mary Celeste



The Battle of The Saintes



Trashy Signs, Slogans & Office Mottos



The 30 Best Cruising Guidebooks



You Might Be a Redneck If...



Alltime Favorite
Site Links



The Caribbean
Book Store




The Dancing
Babies Disco




FORTOGDEN
SITEMAP












TRAVEL SLIDE SHOWS from the FortOgden Image Library

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Rotterdam
CARIBBEAN CRUISE
Slides

The PANAMA CANAL
Slides

The SICILY Slides

The MALTA Slides

The TUNISA Slides

The ROME Slides

The LISBON Slides

The Hill AFB Museum
MILITARY AIRCRAFT
Slides






















Your front porch collapses
and four dogs git killed.






The people on Jerry Springer's show
remind you of your neighbors






Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."




You've ever had to scratch your sisters
name out of a message that begins,
"For a good time time call..."














You know yer a redneck when you take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took







Your whole family is Democrats
except little Mary.
She lernt to readin'.






You think fast food is hitting a possum at 65 mph.






You can get dog hair from out of your belly button.






You have a bumper sticker that says,
"MY MOTHER'S AN HONOR STUDENT
AT SOUTH LITTLE ROCK JR. HIGH."






SEE THE
MEXICAN RIVIERA CRUISE
SLIDE SHOW

CLICK HERE






You take a six-pack cooler to church.






Your family tree has no forks.






You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.








You had to remove a toothpick
for your wedding pictures.





You use a weedeater in your living room.






You consider your license plate personalized because
your dad made it in prison.







You have a rag for a gas cap.





The blue book value of your truck goes up and down
depending on how much gas it has in it.






The third grade teacher says little Bubba
could be a mathematical genius
because he's got thirteen fingers.




Fifth grade was the best six years of your life.





You have to go outside to get
something out of the 'fridge.






A seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.






One of your kids was born on a pool table.








You have spray painted your
girlfriend's name on an overpass.

[darkstarter]

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.





Someone asks to see your ID and you
show them your belt buckle.






Your dad walks you to school because
you are both in the same grade.





Mailpouch sends you Christmas cards.






Down where you come from reruns of
Hee Haw are called do***entaries.






Your house doesn't have curtains,
but your truck does.




You need one more hole punched in your card
to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.







You have flowers planted in a
bathroom fixture in your front yard.





On your first date you had to ask your
Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.






You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance
were just "misunderstood".




If you refer to the fifth grade
as, "your senior year".





Three quarters of the clothes you
own have LOGOS on them.





The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.






Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.







Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.





You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.






You just bought an 8-track
player to put in your truck.




You've ever climbed a water tower
with a bucket of paint
to defend your sister's honor.






It's easier to spray weed killer
on your lawn than mow it.





You think the three primary colors are
John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray.






Your pickup has a two-tone paint job
-- primer red and primer gray.





Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart
'cause there is a law against it.






You've been on TV more than 5 times
describing the sound of a tornado.





The beer can collection in the
town museum is the big tourist attraction.












You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.




Your aunt and your grandmother went to the funeral and had a fight over who gets to be the widow.





You can tell your age by the
number of rings in the bathtub.







You may be a redneck if you ever
used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.






You can change the oil in your truck
without ducking your head.






During your senior year you and
your mother had homeroom together.




You're a lite beer drinker 'cause you start drinkin beer when it gets light.






You think the stock market
has fence around it.






Your stereo speakers used to belong
to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.

You own a homemade fur coat.





Your entire family has ever sat around
waiting for a call from the Governor
to spare a loved one.






Your wife has ever said,
"Come move this transmission
so I can take a bath."





You think loading the dishwasher
means getting your wife drunk.




YOU REFER TO THE TIME YOU WON
A FREE CASE OF MOTOR OIL AS
"THE DAY MY SHIP CAME IN."









The FBI surrounded your trailer park
twice so far this year.




You use a NASCAR credit card.





Your brother-in-law is your uncle
AND your grandfather.




you might be a redneck if....
Your parents met at a family reunion.






You believe that beef jerky and Moon Pies
are two of the major food groups.






You stare at an orange juice container
because it says, "CONCENTRATE".




YOUR IDEA OF HIGH-QUALITY ENTERTAINMENT
IS A SIX-PACK AND A BUG-ZAPPER.





You wonder how service stations
keep their restrooms so clean.




Anyone in your family died right
after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!".





You couldn't learn to swim
because
your gene pool is too small.





Your wife's job requires her
to wear an orange vest.




You have the local taxidermist's
number on speed dial.




On Thanksgiving Day you have
to decide which pet to eat.





Where Do You Want to Go Next? Let
Google
Take You There!

Your school fight song is"Dueling Banjos".

You think "taking out the trash"
means taking your in-laws to a movie.

Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.

You got Clapper devices controlling
the appliances in your house.

You think a hot tub is
a stolen bathroom fixture.

The gas pedal on your car
is shaped like a bare foot.

They just raised the drinking age in your state to 32 on account of they wanted to keep alcohol out of the schools

You hammer bottle caps into the
frame of your front door to make it look nice.

The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.





The taillight covers of your car
are made of red tape.




You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.





You've ever been involved in a
custody fight over a hunting dog.



The KKK kicked you out for being a bigot.





You think a turtleneck is
a key ingredient for soup.



You think the French
Riviera is a foreign car.



Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.






You no longer drink wine ever since
the screw cap got caught up your nose.




You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.





That billboard that says,
"SAY NO TO CRACK"
reminds you to pull up your jeans.



Your wife's hairdo was once ruined
by a ceiling fan.



You go to your family reunion
looking for a date.





You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.




Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.




Your high school basketball game got rained out.




You've got more than three cousins
named 'Bubba'.



You have a close relative named "Cletus".






You ever won first prize in a tobacco spittin contest.





You wish your outhouse was as nice
as those at the state park.





Last year you hid yer kids'
Easter eggs under cow pies.





Your family always goes to the movies in groups of 18 or
more 'cause they were told 17 and under are not admitted.






Jack Daniels makes your list
of "Most Admired People"




Your dog can't watch you eat
without getting sick.



You think the winter olympic sport of curling
is part of the "Big Hair" competition.



When you was little, your front yard got toilet papered
and your momma thought it was a gift from God.




You've painted a car with house paint.



You're banned from the Memphis Zoo because you disturb the monkeys.



You ever named a child after a dog.

You have more belt-buckles than pants.

You removed the back seat from your
car so all yer kids could fit in.

You think taking a bubble bath starts
with eating beans for dinner.

Your child's first words were
"Attention K-Mart shoppers!"

YOU'VE EVER COME HOME
AND FOUND CRIME SCENE TAPE
ACROSS YOUR FRONT PORCH.

You think a woman who is
"out of your league"
bowls on a different night